With the glorious announcement that Donald Trump runs for Emperor of the USA, we recount some of his finest moments in pushing the delights of unrelenting capitalism.
I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful. – Donald Trump
The Trump Rules of Acquisition
Emperor Trump is blazing a wondrous trail for capitalism the likes of which we never could have dreamed. Let’s have a look at how his empire has grown and the graceful transformation of TRUMP into a powerful brand that signifies luxury, excess, acquisition, females and profit!
SUE THE INVESTORS
Trump manages to make stunning business deals that would make your lobes spin. In 2008, he borrowed $640 million from Deutsche Bank and when they asked for some of it it back, he sued them for $3 billion for “predatory lending practices”! Amazing! He understands the lure of a handsome profit and the seductive power his name can have when attached to a business deal. He has regularly tacked his name onto a project to secure funds from investors, only to later admit that he has nothing to do with said project and when investors want their money back, they get sued. One of my favourite of his acquisitions was for the construction of the Trump Ocean Resort in Baja, Mexico. The project earned over $32 million from 200 investors before Trump let them know that the buildings didn’t exist. And, oh yeah, the money to build them didn’t exist either. And also the contract said he could spend their deposits. Classic Trump!
PURCHASE THE ENVIRONMENT
Some people rally against profits by trying to say that big business is a big polluter. But we can’t let the fear of global warming infringe on Human rights of acquisition. Consider the empirical evidence that Trump meticulously gathered in 2010 to disprove Climate Change. He bravely experienced the “coldest winter ever recorded”. What more evidence do you need? With this scientific proof in hand that the Earth is not warming, Donald Trump demanded we “take the Nobel Prize back from Al Gore” and continue profiting, unafraid of environmental scare-tactics.
The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 6, 2012
KEEP PURCHASING THE ENVIRONMENT
In 2007, Trump went to Scotland to find the world’s most boring heritage site and build the world’s most exciting golf course on top of it. The first hurdle was to get rid of “very rare dune wetland habitats”, which proved easy enough to destroy. His next task was to battle a sneaky Scottish fisherman and his wife who somehow took up residence on his golf course 43 years before Trump started building it (what foresight!). He employed classic tactics like cutting off water to his filthy abode, trying to get a compulsory purchase order to forcibly and permanently remove them from the property before eventually building a fence around their house and then sending them the bill! The final construction stage of the world-class golf resort was to get rid of an offshore windfarm (probably manufactured by sneaky Chinese people) which was spoiling the view. Classic Trump!
We mentioned the allure of the TRUMP branding power, and he has made good use of it with the following; there’s a Trump Tower, Trump Airlines, Trump Magazines, and something for our wishlist, a Trump BOARDGAME. Trump profited handsomely from most of these projects despite them being commercial flops, to such an extent that we think he should set up his own University to teach people how he does it. He could maybe call it Trump University… Which, as it turns out, he did in 2005! Not to be outdone by other educational institutions, he charged between $1,000 and $35,000 for students (customers) to have access to his amazing business secrets and then have an photo opportunity with none other than a life-sized cardboard cutout of Donald Trump himself. How gracious of him. Following the intense tutoring that the customers (suckers) never received from Trump himself, the incompetent urchins started lawsuits totalling $40 million against Trump for some sort of “fraud”. Lawsuits which he rightfully describes as “politically motivated”. Classic Trump!
BULLDOZE A WIDOW’S HOUSE FOR PROFIT
Donald Trump is a visionary. Where some people would see a house occupied by a widow for 35 years and see only a hovel. People like Donald Trump see… Carparks! For limousines! For his Casino! Think of the profits! That selfish wench was taking up perfectly good acquisition space, so in 1994, he got Atlantic City government to condemn her house so he could acquire it for cheaper than market value and move his expensive rich-people taxis right on in there.
“You know, it doesn’t really matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass” – Donald Trump
Donald Trump is a ladies’ man and he knows it. He’s such a ladies’ man that he literally bought Miss USA in 1996 so he can personally judge what the perfect female should look, act and think like. He has shown his wisdom in all matters relating to females when he described what happens when men and women are put together in the same place. Sexual Violence! Donald Trump knows not to mix the men with females, because the females will inevitably get sexually assaulted. That’s just the way things are. There are no male sexual assault victims either, only female victims that we can now blame because they should have expected it in the first place. We wish him luck with his reality show ‘Lady or a Tramp‘ where he schools out-of-control females in the best way to respect men properly and to keep their stupid tramp mouths closed.
26,000 unreported sexual assults in the military-only 238 convictions. What did these geniuses expect when they put men & women together?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 7, 2013
BRING BACK THE GUILLOTINE (AGAIN)
One of Donald Trump’s most selfless ventures was his search for social justice back in 1989 with his call for indiscriminately hanging teenagers. Upon learning of the news story of a jogger who was raped in Central Park, Trump paid $85,000 to print full-page adverts in four New York newspapers demanding that five teenage suspects (four black and one of Hispanic descent) be strung from the gallows for their crimes. The teenagers may have been dramatically acquitted in 2002 due to new DNA evidence, but Donald stuck to his guns and refused to apologise because the children confessed on camera and people, especially young people, never give false confessions during intense interrogations ever.
TAX THE CHINESE 25%
PROTECT OUR BORDERS
Dear immigrants, Donald Trump thinks you don’t belong here and that you’ve drug problems and probably are a rapist. He also happens to be the type of person who will purchase large newspaper adverts that propose hanging teenagers of ethnicities he’s not fond of. This should come as a stern warning not to enter the United States illegally because as of July 22 2015, Donald Trump is literally coming for you!
I'm going to the BORDER tomorrow. Will be seeing some really brave people. Look forward to a big day!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 22, 2015
VOTE EMPEROR TRUMP
We praise trump for his unrelenting voyage to bury feeble human ethics under a sea of profit and we thank him for his teachings. With opinion polls showing a recent explosion in his popularity, our dreams of him winning the 2016 public appearance contest and seizing his rightful place atop the throne of the House of White is becoming a beautiful, profitable reality.
“Trump can’t be real. He’s an agent provocateur sent by aliens to make us riot against capitalism. But they’ve given up on us, and now he’s controlled by an alien bitter about wasting its life on our idiotic species, doing the worst things it can think of just to see if we’ll let him.” – Luke McKinney
Almost correct, Luke. Almost.