We can’t say whether being the son of the President of the United States gives you a leg up in life, but what we can say is that being an economic advisor for the fourth-largest investment bank in the U.S. is a win-win situation. Let’s have a look through some of Jeb’s most glorious moments of acquisition, his Mystical Warrior guide, Cuban chums and whether becoming Grand Nagus of the U.S. would actually just be too distracting from his wondrous profits!
“Who I listen to when I need advice on the Middle East is George W. Bush” – Jeb Bush
GLORIOUS CONSULTANCY ACQUISITIONS
Dear readers, we’re about to let you in on one of our most profitable Ferengi secrets we know – the genius of economic advisor and consultancy positions. Here’s how it works; If your client turns a profit, your advice is rewarded handsomely, if they lose money, your advice is needed more than ever. For seven years, Jeb was involved with a small family-run business known as Lehman Brothers. They were gracious enough to ignore the times Jeb worked with companies where $40 million just disappeared mysteriously without a trace and let him advise on a wide variety of projects. Jeb’s final and most important test would be to hatch a masterplan to keep Lehman from ultimately going bankrupt. He called it Project Verde! His highly classified and ingenious project was essentially to beg a Mexican billionaire called Mr. Slim for money. It failed miserably and Lehman Brothers financially imploded due to the 2008 crisis that it had nothing to do with creating. Barclays stepped in and acquired most of the company as the only bidder. They immediately got Jeb Bush back in the saddle as an economic advisor and bumped him up to $2 million per year and business resumed as usual. Humans, if you wish to make a vast profit, we can’t give you better advice than to become a consultant where you can steer the money-making ship in any direction you please and never get blamed for any icebergs in the way. Seriously, become a consultant.
Jeb has a secret weapon. It’s a weapon of mass intimidation that his political opponents are terrified of. We’re of course speaking of his imaginary Mystical Warrior friend Chang. Jeb Bush stated that he’s in tune with this esoteric spirit guide who helps him wage psychological war against those who don’t have an imaginary friend from an exoticised culture. We can only assume he’s appropriated some Klingon culture to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies, a process he refers to as “unleashing Chang“. We must praise his imagination, if nothing else.
“Chang is somebody who believes in conservative principles, believes in entrepreneurial capitalism, believes in moral values that underpin a free society.” – Jeb Bush on Unleashing Chang
Jeb reigned majestically as Governor of Florida for eight solid years. In that time he learned not to worry if it’s the first state in the U.S. to sink underwater due to rising sea levels as he thinks measures taken to reduce environmental damage by Obama are “irresponsible and ineffective“. Jeb has shown resilience in the face of environmental whiners, urging people not to “be alarmists about it” and get ready for a new, more exciting underwater version of Florida! It might be that he’s interested in creating a boost to the economy through some kind of Atlantis-themed deep-sea version, which would be an incredible tourist attraction. Jeb Bush also hasn’t been afraid to tell one of the most powerful religious leaders on Earth when to keep his papal nostrils out of big business and leave polluting to the professionals.
STAND YOUR GROUND
Jeb Bush loves the NRA and loves the weapons trade, so he signed in a law written by the NRA in Florida called Stand Your Ground which was never abused, ever and quickly spread across 24 states. With the success of having Stand Your Ground implemented domestically, Jeb wants to expand it to the rest of the Earth, starting with Iraq. Some may say a weird pattern emerges involving his father’s invasion of Iraq in the 1990’s. And possibly even his brother’s invasion of Iraq in the 2000’s. But we are yet to see one, and I’m sure it’s self-defence, anyway. Jeb has also shown his moral conviction to fight terrorism by hanging out with well-connected terrorists with big business dreams while his Brother’s administration generated campaign funds in exchange for releasing Cuban terrorists from prison. The Bush crew played both sides beautifully as the highly lucrative ‘War on the Actual Concept of Terror’ campaign was being launched that very year.
QUEERS ARE BAD FOR BUSINESS
There’s been a trend recently of queer Humans being able to get married to each other, and Jeb Bush knows that this infringes on religious rights of all kinds. If a Human doesn’t want to give a marriage certificate to a queer couple because of their religion, they could lose their job! Jeb Bush also realises the power of publicly shaming people for their immoral deeds. He was (among other ingenious tactics) in favour of a proposed bill in 2001 that required single mothers who didn’t know the identity of the father to publish their sexual histories in a newspaper before they could put their babies up for adoption. Anyway, Jeb Bush is a firm believer in “traditional marriage” which we assume is the standard five-year lease on a female, signed between her father and a groom, made payable upon the birth of a son.
“There was a time when neighbours and communities would frown on out of wedlock births and when public condemnation was enough of a stimulus for one to be careful.” – Jeb Bush on the good old days.
Did we mention Jeb’s wealth before? Well it needs another mention as we’ve found some people claim Jeb Bush is almost too wealthy to run for president. If ever we’ve heard of a dream to live for, it’s being in a position where you could be Grand Nagus of the United States of America, but you’re too wealthy to take time off from making money to commit to it! Aspirational!
“I want to be very wealthy” – Jeb Bush on Acquisition
THE CHANG DYNASTY
The Bush family must be taking their pointers from Donald Trump as they’ve managed to turn the BUSH brand into the Chang Dynasty of unrelenting nepotism. Let’s hope Human voters see the true appeal of a representative who represents the highest bidder for a more prosperous and free market for all.
At the time of publishing, we’re still waiting for Jeb Bush to implement his 1998 idea for the Marvin the Dog Chat Room on his website (which he refers to as the “Jeb Site”) where you can livechat with Marvin, the Bush family’s domesticated canine.
“I think someone will interpret for Marvin” – Jeb Bush