We’re extremely proud to welcome our very first reader-submitted Ferengi and it’s the formidable Peter Brabeck-Letmathe! His rightful place at VoteFerengi is reserved not only for his courageous acquisition of Formula One, but also his stunning track record as Emperor of Nestlé.
A well-managed brand will survive us all.
– Peter Brabeck-Letmathe
Formula One makes me weep.
Every time I think of the fastest, loudest, most expensive fossil-powered vehicles on Earth, I’m reminded that I’m not Peter Brabeck-Letmathe and hot blue tears of envy stream down my cheeks. At the end of the races, a true Ferengi ceremony takes place, the Humans show their worship for automobile manufacturers by showering semi-naked females adorned by corporate logos with oversized bottles of Champagne. The victorious male gets to carve the brand of his beloved sponsors onto the foreheads of his unworthy opponents with a ritual dagger. With 425 million Humans watching every year, advertisement opportunities don’t get much better than this! Peter Brabeck-Letmathe would be welcome in Ferenginar any day by profiting handsomely from this $17 Billion Dollar industry alone, but his dominance has been long established with his previous rule over the feared and respected Nestlé Corporation.
Nestlé’s Rules of Acquisition
Call it the Roman Empire school of marketing: Colonize as much territory as fast as you can, adapting to native conditions, and then work at holding off the advancing hordes. – Forbes
This behemoth of a business started in 1866 with Human infant formula (always target infant milk for maximum profits) and over the following century, sunk its glorious fangs into as many luxury consumer products it could. With vast acquisitions in developing countries, Nestlé has adapted to all markets and established its unsurpassed dominance with over 8,000 Earth brands. Let’s have a look through some of their most memorable moments.
Privatize the Water
Water supplies are starting to become as lucratively rare as fossil fuels while Nestlé’s 20% global market share in bottled water is floating safely. Some of their best deals have been trying to buy vulnerable water sources for less than local residents can pay for it, tripling the normal water output, draining the aquifers dry then selling it back to residents at 127,000 times the price in a plastic bottle. On the best occasions, governments don’t have any annoying laws that regulate how or how much groundwater is extracted which leaves Nestlé free to drink that milkshake right up!
Privatize The Nipple
Nestlé has unrivalled marketing tactics to get new parents hooked on infant formula and to remove that slobbering baby away from a mother’s filthy breast. Some people say that a baby can get very ill from infant formula mixed with polluted water, well this wouldn’t be a problem if you just bought Nestlé bottled water. Sell a problem, then sell the solution! #PrivatizeTheNipple
Trust Us, It’s Fine
Some annoying, jealous people who aren’t billionaires made fun of Nestlé for being one of the most polluting and profitable corporations on Earth, which can be bad advertising. Peter Brabeck-Letmathe worked hard on fighting the good fight by joining the European Round Table of Industrialists and even the International Council of the Bretton Woods Committee, essentially an IMF and World Bank Lobby. Nestlé has been working hard to form lobby groups of it’s own and to generate a caring, green public image which means delicious profits.
Bottled water is the most environmentally responsible consumer product in the world – Nestlé
Make Ethiopia Repay
Christmas came early in 2002 when it Nestlé demanded $6,000,000 in repayments from Ethiopia for shares in ELIDCO, a livestock company that was nationalised during a military coup in 1975. Nestlé had of course acquired the parent company ten years later and wanted the original worth of shares plus inflation! It may have been the case that 11 million people were starving in Ethiopia during an extreme drought at the time, but business is business. The ruthlessness makes me proud!
Rainforests are boring. They sit there full of natural resources making no profits of their own. Nestlé loves to burn down rainforests in Indonesia and Malaysia and replace them with exciting palm oil plantations that produce amazing cash crops. Yes, some greenhouse gases may be released and some animals may go extinct, but there’s always the Holodeck to enjoy wildlife as it used to be on Earth. Delicious chocolate treats don’t always require palm oil, but the most unashamedly lucrative ones do!
Hail Peter Brabeck-Letmathe
We welcome you to VoteFerengi for your brave work pushing the boundaries of Capitalism to new heights! Your work as CEO and Chairman of the largest, richest, most scrupulous corporations on planet Earth endorses all of their ethics (or lack thereof) and shows us that you strive to keep the Ferengi flame burning on Earth. We only hope that you run for political office soon. If you have a suggested Ferengi to include here, please send it on through our Submit page.
Greed Is Eternal