Scott Walker, A Hopeful DaiMon

posted in: 2016, Featured Ferengi | 0

Scott Walker may not be as widely celebrated as Donald Trump, but he has been putting his money where his mouth is with direct political action for years. He may look unassuming, but his possession (and re-possession) of the Governor’s Throne of Wisconsin and a proven track-record in suppressing females and Unions shows he’s a powerful 2016 candidate for CEO of USA.

“Wisconsin is Open For Business” – Scott Walker

Scott Walker reigned as Governor of Wisconsin for the last five years, but not without his battles for supremacy. His trademark capitalism coupled with union-busting victories shows that Earth politicians could do whatever they want without repercussion if they only have enough latinum (and big enough lobes) to back it up!


Let’s say it’s 2011, you’re Governor of Wisconsin, you’re looking for a spare $137 million. And you hate Unions. Scott Walker found himself in this very situation and solved this conundrum by decapitating the unions and then dropping a nice tax on their greedy little Union faces! Not only can you stop annoying public sector leeches like teachers, nurses and firefighters being in the position to decide how they’re employed, but you can flip the tables and start profiting from them right away. After the working-class caused trouble in reaction to his anti-union laws, he faced a recall vote and relied on the best politics he knew. He quickly amassed millions of dollars and paid his way back into that powerful Governor’s seat. He then went on to approve the beautifully-named anti-union ‘right-to-work’ bill, which should be called the ‘right-to-acquisition’ bill, as it’s proved those dollars stay out of the wrong hands and the profits keep rolling on in!

Scott Walker - Freedom To Profit
Freedom To Profit – Applause all-round.

Scott Walker doesn’t like the environment because it’s bad for short-term profits. As a regular keynote speaker at the prestigious Heartland Institute, (a think-tank funded by generous oil and pharmaceutical companies) he is hardline to make sure there’s no tax to combat so-called “climate change” because of the “adverse economic impact” it would have. He also bravely states that we should take money out of clean energy and government climate programs because they’re a waste of perfectly good profits that we could put into business deals, or a Governor’s Executive Mansion. Because you need a mansion to make businessmen know you’re legit.

Female servants tending the gardens at Scott Walker's actual Mansion.
Female servants tending the gardens at Scott Walker’s actual Mansion.

Scott Walker also doesn’t like Mexicans and has shown that “absolute security” and building big walls around the USA is a top priority right now. While we all know illegal immigrants hurt business within the USA by putting their dirty illegal fingers all over our dollars in low-wage jobs, Walker will go one step further by taking further measures against legal immigrants. There was a moment when it looked like he had softened to the idea of some gaining citizenship, but sure enough, the Walker we know and love shined through with his unrelenting “anti-amnesty” stance last month stating that they should “go back to their country of origin” and “get in line”. Commendable.

Think of the contracts to extend this big wall!
Think of the contracts to extend this big wall!

If out-of-control females try to acquire currency by themselves, things could get costly, so Scott Walker has a three-pronged plan to keep them in line. It starts with lower wages that won’t create competition between genders, females must not access subversive propaganda about how their uterus works and, lastly, the power to control their own reproductive systems. This year Scott Walker announced that he had successfully defunded Planned Parenthood, closing many clinics that could pollute the minds of young females. He then announced that females should not be allowed to have abortions in cases of rape and incest, saying that a mother would only worry about those pregnancies in the first few months and then get over it. To convince females that they should think of the folly of their inferior ways, doctors must perform compulsory ultrasounds and shove a picture of an unborn child in a female’s face because Scott Walker thinks ultrasounds are “pretty cool“.



Not content with only teaching us the importance of oppressing females, Scott Walker shows the priority we must have in maintaining straight, rich, white males in control of… well, just about everything of importance. An ardent supporter of traditional marriage over the years, Scott Walker has voted, and legislated, against same sex marriage on many occasions. Describing the recent Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage as a “grave mistake“, he warns of the dangers of minority groups rising up with their queerness and taking our profits away. Males should retain their rightful position of societal patriarch and breadwinner for a profitable future for everyone!

Hail Scott Walker

May he ascend to a formidable position of power and ensure centuries more of white men profiting handsomely while stepping on the selfish faces of females, unions, queers and some sort of fleshy, facial manifestation of the Earth’s environment itself.